Suicide, Part II

My friend. In HS he was a 4.0 student, studied Latin, was in a Magic society, and was the keyboardist in our band. Classicaly trained, he was definitely the most educated musician in our collective. We lived, ate and slept music.

He ended up being accepted into the UCLA PreMed program and stopped playing music all together. Two years into the program, he hung himself in his bedroom only to be discovered by his parents and younger brother. A month later, his younger brother murders his father by shooting him in the skull during a domestic fight in the parents bedroom.

Evidentally, the father had been physically abusive towards the family members for years and the youngest son couldn't take it anymore. He spent some time in prison as a minor but was released shortly afterwards.

So one element in a suicide situation is the feeling of no options or that killing yourself is the best of all options. How do you get to that point in your mind? In this case, it's the harsh environment of abuse and through time a kind of brain and physical torture. You lose a lot of yourself in this kind of experience and soon your options and anything remotely empowering becomes intangible. The word "gradual" is important. Suicide can't be a newly concluded reality or an option that comes out of a recent self evaluation but a condition that happens slowly, almost like nano emotions or nano death emotions.

In my case, it was the impact of a negative relationship that pushes you so hard and for so long that you are compacted into a metaphoric corner. You have no idea you can get out of it. Your perspective along with your self worth gets so pushed that taking your own life becomes the "best" option. It is utter darkness. At some point, the dialogue is primarily in your mind. It is a dangerous and lonely act of self destruction.